drop a hole

just so I can find this later. and so you can enjoy this now.

i've said it once before, but it bears repeating now.

this is an awesome music video. i finished my "technical writing" paper tonight. whoever knew how an ultimate disc flies could be so hard to explain. spring break is almost here. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

existentialism?

The only word I can describe for my philosophical sentiment right now is existential. But I'm not even sure if that's the right word. As of the beginning of last week, I had a midterm paper due tomorrow. As of the end of last week, I had a draft of a midterm paper due tomorrow. I know if I had a fully written out paper that this peer review session would be substantially beneficial. And I've been trying to crank this thing out for the last 2 days. But to no avail. I have 1 page written. 1 of 6. Partially, I don't feel pressed because I know it's really due Thursday. Mostly, I can't get motivated for this paper because I've been researching the physics of an ultimate disc in flight for the last month, and it's just not an enduring topic. Additionally, there's many an aspect of my life that's falling apart right now, although it's at the "this just means a whole lot of work for me" stage rather than the "oh shit, I'm not going to be able to handle this" stage. Finally, I've come to realize how ultimately unimportant completing this paper is relative to all my other responsibilities. It's hard to focus on something you know doesn't matter at all when you've got so much that actually does matter on your mind. But i'm back to trying anyway...

what a weekend

This weekend was crazy fun. But it's over too soon. Friday I had dinner with the girls at the Ultimate Love Shack. Apparently corned beef is a traditional dish for St. Patrick's Day. And I forgot to wear green. I'm a wonderful 25% irish man. After dinner the party dwindled down to a select few: Vapor, Squirt, Gretchen, Scott, Mindi, and myself. We played Harry Potter Uno while drinking a party pack of Smirnoff Ice (and the occasional shot of vodka). Vapor won because she's sneaky like that and she clearly should have been taking shots with us. We then watched Hot Dog, an 80's movie about freestyle skiing with a playboy playmate succinctly described as "80's soft porn" by Vapor & Squirt. I don't remember much about the movie, as we were fairly drunk and spent most of the movie talking to one another on the couch. I sat between Vapor & Squirt, so double points to me. Then I woke up at about 10 on Saturday, finished my compiler project by noon, hit up a prospective house for next year at noon-thirty (the housing situation is messed up. i'll talk about it more later), then had practice, went to Scotts in Jack London for my dad's bday. When we got back, I went to a PhotoClub party with Courtney. Today was mostly spent recovering. There was an ultimate meeting discussing the roles people will play next year. The future looks good. I really felt comfortable with these girls, it was a nice change from both the being around a large group of guys and the feeling like I must force conversation with attractive girls. As such, things got quite "cozy" on the couch. I definitely had my arms around both Vapor and Squirt for most of the evening, although while Squirt thuroughly enjoyed it, i think Vapor was just putting up with it. (I don't know how to feel about Squirt. She definitely enjoyed me holding her and I certainly enjoyed her wrapping her arm around me and playing with my hair. The real truth is that I do still like her, but I have the distinct feeling that if I just keep pursuing her it'll all just be a big tease. Especially given the theory that she has yet another out-of-town boyfriend named Adam (who called that night too). I have a feeling if I keep after Squirt it can lead to nothing but disaster, but it's still better than nothing. I'm also afraid my getting cozy with her might have made Vapor feel weird (she doesn't want to hang with us this thursday because she's "lame", and "busy" but not because of "work". could be totally unrelated or totally related). It's a complicated situation) I really wish I had someone to talk to about this. It feels like I should talk to Scott about this but I can't share personal things with him without him branching into random tangents about his own mistrials with girls within like 100s of our conversation. Believe me, I've tried. But i'm le tired.

All those times

I'm about a day behind on my semantic analyzer project. But I'm halfway through the semester and this is the hardest part, so I figure this might be one of the projects I turn in a day late without penalty. It's pretty crazy stuff. I think my problem in life is that I really don't know what I want. There's a distinct desire for a lasting, meaningful relationship like so many I had in high school when we were too timid to do anything really sexual. But then I see a picture of a topless girl, or a girl in her underwear, or even just a hot girl giving a seductive look. And I remember all those times... All the times my hands warmed hers. All the times I closed my eyes and kissed her softly. All those times I kissed from her lips to her collarbone. All the times she sucked on my neck and chest and gave me a hickey. All the the times I undid her bra and licked her nipples while the scruff that had grown on my chin since i shaved that morning scratched her tender breast. All the times I ended up on top even though I preferred the bottom. All the times I actually forgot about the world around me, forgot about myself, and only cared about making someone else feel good. That's really, deep down, what I miss the most: someone to care about that takes precedence over everything. Without it, I just get involved in my work, i devote ridiculous amounts of time to things like Ultimate Frisbee and personal sideprojects, and I just keep busy. Work is my alternative to Happiness. A few months ago I met a girl named Leslie at an Ultimate party. We had both had a lot to drink before we met. We talked continuously since we met, and we were one of the last few to leave the party come 3am. I was genuinely interested in her despite the fact that she told me she had a boyfriend she was planning on breaking up with once that semester was over. I offered to walk her home, but the walk went by my house and she had to use the restroom, so we stopped at my place. Then she didn't want to leave. So we managed to scrunch onto my twin mattress and we talked until we fell asleep. We never did anything (she spoke to herself aloud saying how she was resisting the temptation to do things with me because she still had a boyfriend, even if he did cheat on her. My solution was to let her make a move if she wanted it, and as such, no move was made) We went on a date a week later, suffice to say, she wanted time to be single. And that ended that. I figure if I really wanted a one-night hookup that could have been it. If I really wanted a relationship I wouldn't've brought her back to my place. Either way, my heart vs my libido is proving to be a rather well-matched fight. And I've since come to the conclusion that I'm only drunk girls find me attractive. (Which is a bit biased, because I only meet girls at parties, and most of those girls are, or eventually end up being, drunk)

brainwander

I heard "The Rock Show" today and it made me think of high school dances. Where that song would come on, everyone would yell for like 4 seconds, then everyone would shout the words as they bounced up and down and called it dancing. I liked dancing. I got a little crazy, and when the Matrix fad hit the nation I invented a dance move based on the Bullet Dodge slow-mo scene. In sync with the music I would flail my arms and arc my back until I got as low as possible, then I would catch myself with one hand, and in a smooth motion I would push off the ground and be back on my feet. I loved that move. Once I did it without looking behind me, and my head hit the back of some girls ankles. My friends teased me about getting a look up her skirt, but I didn't see anything. One of the ones who teased me about it was Stephanie. I knew her from way back in 7th grade. She was pretty cool, I had a crush on her at one point and I would hang out with her after school telling my parents I was going to the library. I was caught one night because I lost track of time and came home after sunset. That's when I started wearing a watch. I could never figure out which wrist to put it on, though. I'd think "I'm right handed: I should put it on my right". But then I couldn't simultaneously use my right hand (to write, for instance) and simultaneously look at the time. So I ended up strapping it tightly to my left wrist, because I couldn't stand it being lose and spinning around on my wrist. I developed a horrible wristwatch tan and the nickname Clock Boy. At some point later in junior high (I'd guess 8th grade), Stephanie's life began going crazy. She claimed to have married AJ McClean from the Backstreet Boys in an internet chatroom. Nobody believed her, but she called herself Stephanie McClean. After that died down, she met some other guy over the internet, a high-school senior named Nick. Nobody ever met him, although she would IM us a school photo of the boy she claimed to be dating. Nobody ever saw a picture of them together. Then, when their relationship went sour, he became obsessive and controlling. She had broken up with him, but he wasn't about ready to leave, and he would show up at her house uninvited. One night she IM'd me asking for help -- he had hacked into her Hotmail account and couldn't get it back. It wasn't that bad of a hack: it seemed he had just figured out her password. It was hard to use Hotmail because, at the time, you couldn't have 2 computers logged into the same account at one time, so everytime I logged on I kicked Nick out, and vice versa. It took about 30 minutes of trying before I knew where to click fast enough to log in and change her password before he logged in and kicked me out again. But that's the only proof he existed. Which could have easily been her fucking with us. I have no idea what happened to her.

Love Cups!

MIT labs has done great research in the ability to find practical applications for finding some reason the most obtuse device in your house needs to be connected to the internet. Most recently, they've developed pairs of wi-fi cups that glow with greater intensity when the other half of the pair is drinking. My first reaction was: Holy crap. What a waste of time. But the analysis says that it really helps keep the spark going in long-distance relationships and with people who just don't get out often enough. Which I can kind of believe. If everytime my sippycup glowed I knew someone I cared about was thinking about me, it would make me feel good. And honestly how could you not be self-consious about thinking of your other half while drinking a cup that's going to make their cupboard glow red? But what about those who don't have a romantic other in their life, short- or long-distance? Well, I've got a great idea: Set 2 people up by giving each of them one of a pair of these cups. Only you will know who's drinking out of the other glass! And then they'll think they have a secret admirer off drinking somewhere and thinking of them! It'll be great. I swear, if I ever got one of those mugs, I'd probably just drink out of it all the time. Although it'd be disappointing if mine never lit up.

I hate roommates

I always get the short end of the stick for roommates. It sucks. My current roommate has a girlfriend, which for the past two semesters he's been living with. Which means that each of myself and 2 other guys got a single. And it was good. But goddammit if they didn't get into another loud fight that caused her to get evicted and to make him move back in with us. In all honesty it's probably healthier for everyone if they would break up and stay that way for more than a few hours, but for whatever reason they stay together. But really that's none of my business and it's the least of my concerns with him as a roommate. He's just plain out totally inconsiderate of everyone in the house. He leaves dirty dishes in the sink for weeks with no intention to clean them unless I tell him to. And the only reason I'm stuck telling him to is because I'm the one that actually shares a room with him. Which also means I'm the one that bears the grunt of most of his inconsider-icies. I can't work in my room now. Because he either comes home when i'm working and will watch some movie with loud volume with total disregard for what I was doing. Or he'll sleep until freakin 3pm so I can't listen to music and work while awake. I can't stand this. How can someone be so out of touch from normal social interaction. GAAHAHH that is all

Let's delay our misery

Holy crap. The last 48+ hours have been a dizzy blur. And I thought I'd be done by midnight tonight, but it would appear the pain train is just beginnin to roll. Here's a quick-action rundown of what happened. Pretend like these words are coming at you like they do when Batman punches someone. And that someone is a henchmen. And they're all me. BLAM! E190 oral presentation on Thursday, it went well, but I was prepared for that since Tuesday. SMACK! E190 Memo due I actually didn't finish and had to get an extension on. It's now due Monday. KA-POW! E195 reading that I'm like a week and a half behind on. ARRGHH! AI homework was ridiculously hard. I got it done a few hours before it was due, at the cost of hanging with Courtney and Anna. BOOM! AI project done 15 minutes before midnight, and only then do I realize that I totally missed my Friday. um..pop? I've got an AI midterm on Tuesday. And a shitload of learning to do before then. shazzam. I need an outline of all my E190 research written by Tuesday. And I hardly had enough material for a 5-minute presentation. oh, snap! Turns out my Compilers project has a checkpoint on Tuesday as well. Who knew? woohoo! 2 Google interviews on Wednesday with the Payments group. word. swoosh! Another midterm Thursday. Culture of Science style. I gotta get my read on. splat! Compilers written assignment due Thursday. wha? Ultimate party on Friday. You'd think this would be a good thing, but I doubt it. ... I'm sure there's more ahead i'm still unaware of. On the other hand, I did get a lot of Broken Social Scene. They rock. And they're good to study to. that is all.