All those times

I'm about a day behind on my semantic analyzer project. But I'm halfway through the semester and this is the hardest part, so I figure this might be one of the projects I turn in a day late without penalty. It's pretty crazy stuff. I think my problem in life is that I really don't know what I want. There's a distinct desire for a lasting, meaningful relationship like so many I had in high school when we were too timid to do anything really sexual. But then I see a picture of a topless girl, or a girl in her underwear, or even just a hot girl giving a seductive look. And I remember all those times... All the times my hands warmed hers. All the times I closed my eyes and kissed her softly. All those times I kissed from her lips to her collarbone. All the times she sucked on my neck and chest and gave me a hickey. All the the times I undid her bra and licked her nipples while the scruff that had grown on my chin since i shaved that morning scratched her tender breast. All the times I ended up on top even though I preferred the bottom. All the times I actually forgot about the world around me, forgot about myself, and only cared about making someone else feel good. That's really, deep down, what I miss the most: someone to care about that takes precedence over everything. Without it, I just get involved in my work, i devote ridiculous amounts of time to things like Ultimate Frisbee and personal sideprojects, and I just keep busy. Work is my alternative to Happiness. A few months ago I met a girl named Leslie at an Ultimate party. We had both had a lot to drink before we met. We talked continuously since we met, and we were one of the last few to leave the party come 3am. I was genuinely interested in her despite the fact that she told me she had a boyfriend she was planning on breaking up with once that semester was over. I offered to walk her home, but the walk went by my house and she had to use the restroom, so we stopped at my place. Then she didn't want to leave. So we managed to scrunch onto my twin mattress and we talked until we fell asleep. We never did anything (she spoke to herself aloud saying how she was resisting the temptation to do things with me because she still had a boyfriend, even if he did cheat on her. My solution was to let her make a move if she wanted it, and as such, no move was made) We went on a date a week later, suffice to say, she wanted time to be single. And that ended that. I figure if I really wanted a one-night hookup that could have been it. If I really wanted a relationship I wouldn't've brought her back to my place. Either way, my heart vs my libido is proving to be a rather well-matched fight. And I've since come to the conclusion that I'm only drunk girls find me attractive. (Which is a bit biased, because I only meet girls at parties, and most of those girls are, or eventually end up being, drunk)